It's been a while...

I've been busy with work and school however I have been writing a long post.

I am hesitant to post it, however, because even though it is what I feel and what I think, I believe others may be offended. We will see what happens when I post it. No ETA, though, as of yet.

Research

So I am currently writing a series of research papers for my English 102 course.
It is very insightful and I am learning a lot that can be implemented into my own adoption.
If you're interested in reading the book I am currently doing my paper on, it is called The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Melina.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Open-Adoption-Experience-Complete/dp/0060969571/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364888545&sr=8-1&keywords=the+open+adoption+experience

More posts to come after I am finished with the large assignments at school.

Day to day

Going through my day to day activities since has been a rather interesting experience. Especially when it concerns people who knew me when I was pregnant, or have seen pictures on my phone or heard me talk about Jaden. And that's really what group is supposed to help with, dealing with the day to day life after a great loss.

But when you can't go to group, it gets rather challenging.

My first day at group, we covered the grieving process. I sort of scoffed at it. In my mind, this would be easy. I would be able to see him sometimes, so whatever. I don't need to grieve. He was still there.

So when it came time to go home to where I was living, it was sort of an impossible flood of confusion and feelings I had to deal with on top of my overwhelming depression, my lack of interest in much of anything and  my longing to see Jaden constantly. It was a confusing time and I was lucky that I was able to see Jaden at all. It was nice to go to the mall with Liz and Jaden, grab food and wander around with him in my arms while I talked with Liz or have them over to my parents on the 4th of July and on my birthday. By the time that rolled around, Jon had left for his residency and soon after, Liz left.

The day they left I called out of work. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just curled into a ball and slept for a while. I think I got up and watched a movie. Maybe went out and walked to Bookmans. I'm not sure.

I'm not good at expressing to Jon and Liz when I need a picture because I don't want their pity. I don't want pity period. I don't like people looking at me like I am some poor creature. I made a choice that was for the best. I don't want pity for that. Sometimes I will text them and say I am having a bad day and request a photo. They're great about sending it. If they can't immediately, they'll let me know. We don't always have conversations (which can be disappointing, but they're busy people and I don't want to butt in) but when we do they're nice. They, of course, tend to revolve around Jaden. I try to ask how they're doing, how their life is going in Texas and such but honestly, they don't need to tell me.

The reason I bring this up is because I was having a hard time tonight. Going through my external hard drive, looking at pictures on my own computer and texting a friend, I felt a wave of sadness rush over me. I started to tear and felt my throat begin to close. I shut down the pictures and popped in Scott Pilgrim to take my mind off of things. My art also helps. Anything, really, to take my mind off of things.

That's not really a good thing, I suppose. It's not good to distract myself. I'm not pretending it didn't happen, I'm not pretending I'm not in pain. I just need a distraction.

I don't always do that. Sometimes I will deal with it through the day. Dealing with it at work is no fun. But I have to.

This is probably the most difficult thing a birthmother does. I can't imagine what it is like for those mothers who never see their children after they leave the hospital.

For that reason I know that I am lucky, blessed even, to have the adoption that I have.

Placement Final Part

It has been some time since I last posted, and I do apologize. I have been busy with school, work and a recent visit from Jaden. I write that this is the final part. 

        It is. It is the final PLACEMENT part. After this, I will continue the story describing post-placement and the events that have followed. 

                To continue on from where I left off…

                When I got home, I was sort of a mess. I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure it was obvious. I just wanted to rest, to be alone, to have someone there… I didn’t really know what I wanted. It was just the little waiting period to see him again that was getting me excited.

                I sat down on my dad’s comfy red couch (well… I didn’t sit. I had stitches and wasn’t supposed to really sit sit. But I sort of leaned, I guess).  Pulling up the laptop I had left in my parent’s living room three days prior, I pulled up Facebook. Now, I had sort of updated as I was in the hospital, posting pictures at the very least.  But when I logged on I got a little bit of a surprise.

                And at first I wasn’t happy about it.

                Jaden’s birthfather was messaging me. I was angry at him for everything, though I knew it wasn’t all his fault. But he surprised me pleasantly by telling me that he received the papers that had been served to him. I had not heard from him since I had wheedled his address out of him and helped track him down. I sort of nonchalantly said good, not wanting him to think that I was behind their finding him. He said he didn’t quite get them.

                I explained that he could locate a probono attorney if he needed to, but he had 30 days from the point of delivery to respond and if he didn’t he would forfeit his rights. I didn’t want to candycoat anything.

                He said he didn’t need it.

                He said he’d sign.

                I just about exploded from  excitement. I started to text my case worker and asked when he wanted to, if he wanted me down there, if he needed them to explain. I said that it was a good thing, we would still be a part of Jaden’s life and that he didn’t need to worry about it.

                He wasn’t interested in that part. We set up the date for my caseworker to go down and then he said to give his number and information to Jon and Liz, to make sure they could keep in contact. But he wanted nothing to do with Jaden.

                And he was blocking me on Facebook so he no longer had to see any pictures of him.

                I think it affected him more than he would say. He didn’t really get the chance to bond like I did, but he still had the knowledge that he was a father and that he did have a kid out there. Not only that, but both he and I knew that we were not fit to take care of this child with both of us working for the same company and not having a college degree.

                At one point in an earlier conversation, he brought up anecdotal evidence that a single parent home could work.

                Of course it could work! It’s worked for years! Women who have had amazing jobs, terrible jobs, help from family, friends, the state and women who just had a give em hell attitude. But what happens to those kids? Do they wish they knew their father? Do they know their father? Do they wish they didn’t? Do they wish they had a better life? Do they hate their mother for the life they have?

                I wanted Jaden to not even have to pose those questions. I wanted him to have a life where he knew that he was wanted by everyone in it. I think I gave that to him.

                So when I got in contact with my case worker, we set up a day for her to go down to get the papers signed.

                I was ecstatic. I couldn’t help it. I thought that we would have to wait a month for his response. I didn’t want to have Jon and Liz live with Jaden with the thought in their minds that at any moment, he could be taken by a father who didn’t want him to be born.

                That was Wednesday. I asked if we could go to group that night, even if it was just briefly. And it was brief. I couldn’t sit for too long and wanted to leave not long after. Aside from Jaden being three days old, of course. I didn’t want him exposed to too much. I had been able to give him a little breast milk but that was what little had come in during my stay in the hospital, so he didn’t have my immune system protecting him like other babies.  I’m sure Jon and Liz were worried about that too.

                We set up a time for them to come over that Friday. We would be having my grandparents in town for my nephews birthday party, so it would be a perfect opportunity to meet Jaden for them and a great time for me to see him.

                When we got home from his birthday party (which was not easy on my body…) I went out to the perch I had adopted during my orders to take it easy and not sit. My dad has a little man cave in the garage, complete with AC, that has the most comfortable reclining chair. It was a lot easier on my body than my parent’s other couches and didn’t put unneeded pressure on my swollen nethers. I sat out there and watched TV and waited for the time to come for them to get there.

                I went back inside at one point, I don’t remember if it was for the bathroom or a drink, but my stepsister’s friends were there, with their children. They had come to the party but, looking at the time, I thought that they shouldn’t be there. I didn’t want them staying. I wanted Jon and Liz’s visit to be family time. I didn’t want these strangers to mess that up.

                I asked my dad if they would be staying, and as if he didn’t think anything of it, he said yes, of course. I was already an emotional wreck, but that made me start to cry. I went to the garage, sat down, and started bawling. It hurt and was disgusting but I couldn’t handle it. It was like all of what had happened in the days prior was crashing around me, and the threat that I would break was becoming a reality and I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted a hole to crawl in. I didn’t want to be there, or anywhere for that matter.

                I guess there had been inside discussion as to why they were there as well, that I was not a part of. I just wanted to remain in my hole.

                But my dad came out to see if I needed anything and saw me looking like…well, hell. He asked what was wrong and I blew up at him. I don’t want them here! They have no place being here! This is supposed to be for family! They’re not family! Why are they here!?

                My dad does not handle confrontation well. He handles it in his own way, which sometimes isn’t the best way, but he handles it. So he did what he thought he should do, which was go and get my stepmom.

                And then this turned into a fight I wish I had not been around. I sort of sunk back into my chair, trying to disappear back into that imaginary hole I had been in earlier.

                Apparently, this wasn’t supposed to be family only (amazing how communication breaks down). They had already ordered the pizza and compromised that they would leave after pizza. And leave us alone.

                Jon and Liz were going to be there in mere minutes and I still looked like someone had kicked my puppy. My eyes were swollen, I was covered in nasty snot and everything was red. I  tried to compose myself. It didn’t work well, because not too long after I attempted to begin, there was a knock at the door (or did they ring the doorbell) and I ran to get it.

                There they were, all smiles and happy new baby glowing, with little Jaden asleep in his car seat. I think my mood lightened more then than I thought it possibly could. I hugged them hello, I think I introduced them to my grandparents and we all sat about.

                I took little Jaden, wanting to hold him first (of course) and brought him over to where I was sitting. To where my grandma was. I decided to let her hold him and could see her light up. She cradled him and thanked me for handing him to her.

                After that it was sort of a game of pass the baby and attempt to eat in between the passing. It was a pleasant evening. I got some nice pictures with him and got to hold him for over an hour. That’s all I could ask for.

                Though, and sometimes I still feel this way, I think maybe it was awkward for Jon and Liz? I don’t know. I feel that, when we as a family get around Jaden, we pay more attention to him and they are sort of just background pieces and I feel bad when that happens. I try to engage them but I am easily distracted by baby. At dinner a week or so ago, I tried to be proactive about getting into a more in depth conversation, but again, got distracted. >_<

                I hate to think that maybe they feel left out when things like that happen and I am sorry. I enjoy their company. I enjoyed their company when I first met them. That’s why I chose them. They’re a lot like my older sister Bre and her husband, Ben. They’re people I can relate with, and talk with and not feel any sort of negativity. They’re amazing people.

                Anyway, I was very sad to see them go. I didn’t want them to and sort of just went along with what was happening around me.

                Honestly, I don’t remember much for the following days. Things happened, friends came over, food was eaten.

                I do remember the pain of having my breast milk come in fully. I had been prepared for this in group, it happens to everyone, whether or not you breast feed. But that was an extraordinary pain I was going through. I won’t say that this was the worst pain I’ve been through, that would be a lie. It was very painful, though. It was very tight, firm and overall tender. My dad went to get cabbage (cold cabbage on the breast helps alleviate swelling) and my grandma bought a large ace bandage to keep them under pressure. Those and constant ice packs were my life. Discomfort below and above.

                Joyous.

                But finally, with the swelling going down and the discomfort subsiding, it was Tuesday and that meant it was time for the placement ceremony.

                A quick note about this. The Placement Ceremony is they day I sign the papers forfeiting my rights. It is important for a birth mother and for the adoptive parents as well. It is in the moment that each discover whether or not the adoption will be completed, whether or not the birthmother will decide to keep or will go through with their placement plan.

                From what I understand, Jon and Liz were steeling themselves in preparation for me to change my mind.           

                But I am a Keller. We are a stubborn sort. My mind was made up,  and though I missed him dearly, though I wanted him there with me, I wanted what was best for him more. I knew that even then. So, foregoing my pain medication (we can’t take any within 24 hours of placement. Ow), the ceremony began. I invited Group Liz to come, my childhood friend Heather, my siblings and my stepsister Chey brought her husband (ugh) and her children.

                During the signing, normally it’s very quiet. You’ve already read the document beforehand. A good thing, because the language is harsh. It’s very thorough and harsh. I had to sign my full name, which is funny. I only ever sign B for my middle name (most people DON’T sign their middle name period) so I had to come up with a signature for my middle name on the spot. During this time, Group Liz suggested that I hold Jaden. I wasn’t really feeling up to that. It was already hard.

                I think I played it off that it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. All I had to do was sign a document. Whatever. But the full weight of my choice was crashing down and I had to play it cool. It would hurt too much otherwise.

                After the signing, my case worker had everyone go around the room and express their feelings about adoption, this adoption and what I was doing.

                My dad said he was proud of me, something he rarely says to anyone. (Pride is, after all, a deadly sin :P). Heather spoke too, and slowly people around the room opened up. My stepsister’s husband spoke too (*punch!*) and then Jon and Liz spoke.

                I wanted to cry at what my dad said, but I wanted to cry more at what they said.

                I had given them a child that they could love and adore as their own. I had changed their lives. They gave me a framed photo of Jaden (because the other gift they had chosen had not arrived yet- a necklace they later gave me on my birthday engraved with Jaden’s name) and we ate KrispyKreme donuts with ice cream and syrup on top. Ironic, because Jon and I had been discussing those at the last dinner we all had before he was born. We call them heart-attack-in-a-bowl. Because it is.

                After placement, I went home with Heather. I don’t think it was that night, but I could be wrong. We dropped my cat off (Rupert, my grumpy old man, had come with me to my parent’s home after I got released from the hospital. He has attachment issues. It’s cute and sad) and picked up a kitten from the people I was living with. They didn’t want it and we didn’t want them to just toss it. It was a cute little Russian Blue and deserved better than that. We dropped it off at the Humane Society of Tucson.

                I went home with Heather for a reason. Simply put, I was not ready to go home. I didn’t want to be alone, and that’s what I would be at home. Heather was nice enough to offer her home as a buffer in between my parent’s and going back.

                She got me into a new TV show, that was, in fact, cancelled years ago, went shopping with me, read books with me in silence and talked with me. Not about Jaden. Just about anything. World of Warcraft, her crazy cats, my cat, my parents, my sisters, how Tucson is a hole that no one should be forced to live in, school. Just anything to take my mind off things and allow me to relax




~~~~~~~
We had a visit from Jaden recently. Here are some pictures. :) I got to babysit the little booger. 

                         Jaden has never really seen a cat before. He loved our kitten Inara. Inara, however, did not share his love. After he left, she fell right asleep.

                          Liz warned me the little guy loved food. And begging for food. Heather and I had pizza...

                                    After throwing up all over what I was wearing, he decided I wasn't messy enough and that he should eat my face. Effective. 

Placement Pt.4

I’m  a very awkward person. I’ve said it once, and I will say it again. Multiple times. Because no matter how many times I say it, nothing changes. I fail at reading situations like I should and in fact, thought that Jon and Liz were having second thoughts the second day in the hospital, though later (after the pain meds wore off and reality slapped me in the uterus), I realized that they were just being considerate. I appreciate that. The time I spent in the hospital with Jaden was and will always be important to me. Not because I bonded with him. Which I did (though I was hoping I wouldn’t). But no, because it was the time where I felt connected most with my family and with Jon and Liz.

                Each time someone came in to hold Jaden, to see Jaden, to check on me, to care for me, I truly felt loved. There were a few people I wished hadn’t come, that is true, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying their company.

                Group Liz joined me, bringing my Birthmother Basket, a little bit of knickknacks put together at my support group for the birthmothers in the hospital. The purpose is to feel like you’re not leaving the hospital empty handed. Just about everything in my basket was pink or purple. I’m not a fan of pink but purple is my favorite color, so I loved it. She held Jaden and conversed with my family and stayed.

                That was important to me. She is a good friend, someone for whom I care deeply and she stayed with me in the hospital the second night. I was so scared and uncomfortable that first night alone that though I rested when Jaden had been picked up, it was not a true rest. We talked through the night, even though she had to work in the morning.

 She swaddled Jaden, helped me change his diaper (I hadn’t done it in years and so felt so strange doing it, especially with a child I had just pushed from within my own being) and showed me a trick to help him sleep more.

                She placed a cloth over the top of the cradle and he would sigh and continue to sleep. Theoretically, this was supposed to help me. It didn’t really. Still, with every sound he made, I would stir. I wanted to be there for him so desperately during the short time he was with me. His every movement woke me and I began to fret about the cloth maybe making it difficult to breath and maybe his swaddle was too tight or maybe he was hungry or maybe…

                I drove myself slowly crazy that night with my constant worry that I called in one of the nurses (after not being able to get ahold of Jon and Liz) to come and take him to the nursery. Again, I wanted as much time with him as possible, but with my nerves, there was no way I could sleep and take care of him. The nurse came and grabbed him for me, taking him with her to the nurse’s station (he was a VERY popular baby, the nurses all adored him) and not too long after, that is where Jon and Liz found him, taking him back with them into their own room.

                I know that I am leaving many things from the story, like Missy, Jon’s sister visiting, who visited me and why and when and my case worker and Bre and her advice and all of that.

                But sometimes I don’t feel like those things are important. They are, of course. But I want to concentrate on the things that were the most important to me at the time. Jaden, Jon and both Liz’s, my family and the time being with them.

                Maybe I should cover what it was like being with the case worker from the hospital, the feeling knowing that each and every nurse knew that I was not going to be Jaden’s mother, my constant pain, bleeding and my attempts to make it so that I appeared to be comfortable and emotionally stable.

                Of course I wasn’t. I feel that is one of the things that should be obvious. I bonded so strongly with this baby who wasn’t coming home with me that I exhausted myself trying to be with him. I wanted to see every little nuance of his little face, his wrinkly little body, his long fingers and soft black hair. I wanted to make sure that he knew who I was, regardless of whether he would remember me, regardless of whether I was still allowed in his life, regardless of what others would tell him growing up. I wanted him to know everything.

                When I got the chance to be alone with him, I would sort of talk to him. Let him know I loved him. That I would be there for him. That Jon and Liz loved him. He wouldn’t remember, but I needed that comfort. I felt silly, talking to him while he dozed but it didn’t matter. He would stir and let out little noises or hold my finger, sometimes peeking his eyes through his lids while I talked to him. It made me feel like my world wasn’t going to close in around me nearly as fast as it was.

                I was so set in placing him that I knew that was about as much as I was going to be able to have. I knew looking at him, that though I loved him, that though I wanted to keep him, hold him and raise him, it was not what was right for him, even if it may be what was right for me.

 What was right for me didn’t matter.

So I don’t cover things that I don’t think will move the story, tell my message and even educate where needed.

Emotions educate. Small details do not. I am not good at describing my emotions as aptly is I wish but I know I can.

So when I woke and it was the last day in the hospital, I didn’t want to show it, but my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. It was a happy day for Jon and Liz and together Liz and I dressed Jaden in his first outfit, snuggling him to our chests and snapping photos.

I only wish I had taken more.

                When I was released, it sort of surreal. It was almost like slow motion, Jon holding Jaden’s carrier as I was wheeled to the door, talking about going to group that night to pop in and say hello with Jaden in tow. I wanted those moments to last forever and I sort of hovered around while they attempted to get the car seat into their car. I just wanted the moment to last.

                But, of course it didn’t, and as I walked to Dawn’s car, I was happy for them but wanted, at the same time, to cry out. I wanted to go back and cuddle with him, to stroke his hair, to be his mom. But it wasn’t right so instead I stayed calm and gingerly got into the car.

                I don’t remember if I wept, I do remember that feeling of depression and staring out the window. I couldn’t wait those few hours to see Jaden and fidgeted in impatience.

                Looking back, it was sort of silly that Jon and Liz headed back to their home almost an hour away but I’m sure they wanted that time alone with their new baby. Regardless, they came for group and I held Jaden again and relished in the feeling.

                I honestly never felt as though I was fit to have kids. But holding Jaden was an eye opener and it took my breath away every time I looked at him. 

(Taking another break, as I'm finding it difficult to write, but please enjoy the following pictures from the hospital).

                                                                  (Liz and Jaden)

                                                              (Sleepy Boy)

                                                              (Jon and Jaden)

                                                (I'd be remiss if I didn't show one of myself)

Indiegogo campaign and a small post

I've started a campaign on indiegogo to gather funds to promote the blog as well as funds for travel in May.
http://tinyurl.com/bhr758x

I also asked Jon and Liz to share their feelings of what happened before Jaden's birth and at the hospital. I'm working on my next post but it is taking a little while. >_>
Please enjoy what they had to say. I certainly did and will always appreciate them.

The hospital was an interesting combination of emotion, excitement, awkwardness, and anxiety. We were extremely excited to look forward to seeing Jaden born. However, we were conscious of the fact that Kinzie would be sifting through an array of complicated feelings from pregnancy, delivery, medications, and specifically from placing Jaden for adoption. The silver lining in all of this was that we had an open adoption which we hope offered some comfort to Kinzie.

Leading up to the adoption, we felt extremely fortunate to have been able to spend such significant time with Kinzie between birth group, pre-natal appointments, and dinners to get to know her. All this time really made us feel comfortable being at the bedside for Jaden’s birth. We appreciated how much Kinzie thought of Jaden and us throughout her pregnancy. She was extremely selfless in how much she incorporated us. After Jaden was born, we were excited to finally be parents but the amount of respect and appreciation we felt for Kinzie for placing Jaden with us was and still is impossible to articulate.

Through the rest of the hospital stay, we struggled with knowing how pro-active to be in taking care of Jaden and Kinzie as we didn’t want to encroach on her time with Jaden or her family’s time with her and Jaden. Kinzie comes from a very friendly family so having her there along with Dawn and Chris made this transition easier. It also helped Kinzie was so open about when she needed us to help out. Those three days in the hospital were an anxious time for us and it was tough to have confidence in being parents, tough to have confidence that Jaden would be placed with us. Additionally, it was tough to be 100% happy because we knew Kinzie was starting walking down the most difficult road she would face in her life. Although we had never been in her situation, we knew she would experience the frustration, depression, anxiety, and longing that we had been experiencing as we battled through infertility and adopting. It was also tough to fight this constant flood of stories we had heard from others about failed adoptions and all the other heart-breaking adoption stories you hear as a prospective adoptive couple. After years of infertility, it was extremely difficult to feel confident and comfortable that you may actually have an opportunity to be a parent. You’re constantly emotionally hovering with infertility induced emotional insecurity despite succeeding in several other aspects of your life.

We spent a total of almost three days in the hospital. On the last day we spent the morning setting up the car seat, packing bags, and saying goodbyes. The most difficult part of the entire hospital experience was watching Kinzie have to say good-bye to Jaden from the hospital. It’s the only part of the experience that made us feel guilty. Did we need to feel that way – no; was there any validity in feeling that way – no, but we did because we had grown close to Kinzie and although we knew she would be a part of Jaden’s life, it was tough not to feel responsible for her feelings, her loneliness, and the hole in heart. She possessed a super-human level of faith, fortitude, and foresight. For that, we will always be grateful for her and we will ensure that Jaden learns to understand what a lucky boy he was to have Kinzie as his birthmom.

Straying a bit from the story...

I shared on my Twitter account not too long ago (maybe a few days), my blog. Most of my followers are friends. Friends that I do not have linked into my Facebook account. I thought that they may want to read my story as well. I was, instead, woken by this Tweet this morning.

7rin ‏@7rin

Lucky for @KinzieChan that labour's the most she'll suffer. The greatest pain #adoptees endure is being #abandoned to #adoption = #trauma

This actually hurt. I've heard many things in the past few months about what people think of what I've done. I've been called stupid and selfish but no one has ever told me that I abandoned my son. No one has ever said labor is the most painful thing I will ever suffer, equating the physical pain to the emotional hell I go through daily. I am a part of Jaden's life until Jon and Liz say otherwise. I am a part of Jaden's life until he is old enough to decide he doesn't want me to be a part of it. He will never be abandoned by me while I live.

I feel as though I was led to his parents. They are good, kind people who love him and I can see it every day when I look at past pictures and when I get new ones. They are not the kind of people to have a child of their own and decide that Jaden is no longer theirs. If they had been, I would not have even considered them. Besides, their extended families would not let them. They adore little Jaden as well.

I know I shouldn't let these things bother me, but I can't help it. I'm called a coward often, I'm called selfish weekly, I'm called stupid daily. I can't tell certain people about his adoption because of the reaction I know I will get. I know I shouldn't let these things get to me but I do. I do because I am scared emotionally.

The greatest pain a birthmother will ever know is having to wake up in the morning to their child not with them. The greatest pain is knowing that you can't love them as a parent. Because you decided that their growing up needed two parents. Because you decided that them growing up with a parent living paycheck to paycheck was not something any child should see.

Because I decided I wanted him to be happy and I knew he would not find it with me. Seeing his smiling face and how much he laughs and the love he has for his parents make me realize that even more.

The thing people like this don't realize is that, more often than not, I am a mess of emotions and will cry at random. I will cry myself to sleep or wait until I am stable to enough  to sleep to sleep quietly. I am broken. I don't think there is anything aside from drastic memory loss that can change this.

I did not abandon my son. I gave him the life he deserves.

And I dont need anyone telling me I don't love my son or that I traumatized him.