Day to day

Going through my day to day activities since has been a rather interesting experience. Especially when it concerns people who knew me when I was pregnant, or have seen pictures on my phone or heard me talk about Jaden. And that's really what group is supposed to help with, dealing with the day to day life after a great loss.

But when you can't go to group, it gets rather challenging.

My first day at group, we covered the grieving process. I sort of scoffed at it. In my mind, this would be easy. I would be able to see him sometimes, so whatever. I don't need to grieve. He was still there.

So when it came time to go home to where I was living, it was sort of an impossible flood of confusion and feelings I had to deal with on top of my overwhelming depression, my lack of interest in much of anything and  my longing to see Jaden constantly. It was a confusing time and I was lucky that I was able to see Jaden at all. It was nice to go to the mall with Liz and Jaden, grab food and wander around with him in my arms while I talked with Liz or have them over to my parents on the 4th of July and on my birthday. By the time that rolled around, Jon had left for his residency and soon after, Liz left.

The day they left I called out of work. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just curled into a ball and slept for a while. I think I got up and watched a movie. Maybe went out and walked to Bookmans. I'm not sure.

I'm not good at expressing to Jon and Liz when I need a picture because I don't want their pity. I don't want pity period. I don't like people looking at me like I am some poor creature. I made a choice that was for the best. I don't want pity for that. Sometimes I will text them and say I am having a bad day and request a photo. They're great about sending it. If they can't immediately, they'll let me know. We don't always have conversations (which can be disappointing, but they're busy people and I don't want to butt in) but when we do they're nice. They, of course, tend to revolve around Jaden. I try to ask how they're doing, how their life is going in Texas and such but honestly, they don't need to tell me.

The reason I bring this up is because I was having a hard time tonight. Going through my external hard drive, looking at pictures on my own computer and texting a friend, I felt a wave of sadness rush over me. I started to tear and felt my throat begin to close. I shut down the pictures and popped in Scott Pilgrim to take my mind off of things. My art also helps. Anything, really, to take my mind off of things.

That's not really a good thing, I suppose. It's not good to distract myself. I'm not pretending it didn't happen, I'm not pretending I'm not in pain. I just need a distraction.

I don't always do that. Sometimes I will deal with it through the day. Dealing with it at work is no fun. But I have to.

This is probably the most difficult thing a birthmother does. I can't imagine what it is like for those mothers who never see their children after they leave the hospital.

For that reason I know that I am lucky, blessed even, to have the adoption that I have.

Placement Final Part

It has been some time since I last posted, and I do apologize. I have been busy with school, work and a recent visit from Jaden. I write that this is the final part. 

        It is. It is the final PLACEMENT part. After this, I will continue the story describing post-placement and the events that have followed. 

                To continue on from where I left off…

                When I got home, I was sort of a mess. I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure it was obvious. I just wanted to rest, to be alone, to have someone there… I didn’t really know what I wanted. It was just the little waiting period to see him again that was getting me excited.

                I sat down on my dad’s comfy red couch (well… I didn’t sit. I had stitches and wasn’t supposed to really sit sit. But I sort of leaned, I guess).  Pulling up the laptop I had left in my parent’s living room three days prior, I pulled up Facebook. Now, I had sort of updated as I was in the hospital, posting pictures at the very least.  But when I logged on I got a little bit of a surprise.

                And at first I wasn’t happy about it.

                Jaden’s birthfather was messaging me. I was angry at him for everything, though I knew it wasn’t all his fault. But he surprised me pleasantly by telling me that he received the papers that had been served to him. I had not heard from him since I had wheedled his address out of him and helped track him down. I sort of nonchalantly said good, not wanting him to think that I was behind their finding him. He said he didn’t quite get them.

                I explained that he could locate a probono attorney if he needed to, but he had 30 days from the point of delivery to respond and if he didn’t he would forfeit his rights. I didn’t want to candycoat anything.

                He said he didn’t need it.

                He said he’d sign.

                I just about exploded from  excitement. I started to text my case worker and asked when he wanted to, if he wanted me down there, if he needed them to explain. I said that it was a good thing, we would still be a part of Jaden’s life and that he didn’t need to worry about it.

                He wasn’t interested in that part. We set up the date for my caseworker to go down and then he said to give his number and information to Jon and Liz, to make sure they could keep in contact. But he wanted nothing to do with Jaden.

                And he was blocking me on Facebook so he no longer had to see any pictures of him.

                I think it affected him more than he would say. He didn’t really get the chance to bond like I did, but he still had the knowledge that he was a father and that he did have a kid out there. Not only that, but both he and I knew that we were not fit to take care of this child with both of us working for the same company and not having a college degree.

                At one point in an earlier conversation, he brought up anecdotal evidence that a single parent home could work.

                Of course it could work! It’s worked for years! Women who have had amazing jobs, terrible jobs, help from family, friends, the state and women who just had a give em hell attitude. But what happens to those kids? Do they wish they knew their father? Do they know their father? Do they wish they didn’t? Do they wish they had a better life? Do they hate their mother for the life they have?

                I wanted Jaden to not even have to pose those questions. I wanted him to have a life where he knew that he was wanted by everyone in it. I think I gave that to him.

                So when I got in contact with my case worker, we set up a day for her to go down to get the papers signed.

                I was ecstatic. I couldn’t help it. I thought that we would have to wait a month for his response. I didn’t want to have Jon and Liz live with Jaden with the thought in their minds that at any moment, he could be taken by a father who didn’t want him to be born.

                That was Wednesday. I asked if we could go to group that night, even if it was just briefly. And it was brief. I couldn’t sit for too long and wanted to leave not long after. Aside from Jaden being three days old, of course. I didn’t want him exposed to too much. I had been able to give him a little breast milk but that was what little had come in during my stay in the hospital, so he didn’t have my immune system protecting him like other babies.  I’m sure Jon and Liz were worried about that too.

                We set up a time for them to come over that Friday. We would be having my grandparents in town for my nephews birthday party, so it would be a perfect opportunity to meet Jaden for them and a great time for me to see him.

                When we got home from his birthday party (which was not easy on my body…) I went out to the perch I had adopted during my orders to take it easy and not sit. My dad has a little man cave in the garage, complete with AC, that has the most comfortable reclining chair. It was a lot easier on my body than my parent’s other couches and didn’t put unneeded pressure on my swollen nethers. I sat out there and watched TV and waited for the time to come for them to get there.

                I went back inside at one point, I don’t remember if it was for the bathroom or a drink, but my stepsister’s friends were there, with their children. They had come to the party but, looking at the time, I thought that they shouldn’t be there. I didn’t want them staying. I wanted Jon and Liz’s visit to be family time. I didn’t want these strangers to mess that up.

                I asked my dad if they would be staying, and as if he didn’t think anything of it, he said yes, of course. I was already an emotional wreck, but that made me start to cry. I went to the garage, sat down, and started bawling. It hurt and was disgusting but I couldn’t handle it. It was like all of what had happened in the days prior was crashing around me, and the threat that I would break was becoming a reality and I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted a hole to crawl in. I didn’t want to be there, or anywhere for that matter.

                I guess there had been inside discussion as to why they were there as well, that I was not a part of. I just wanted to remain in my hole.

                But my dad came out to see if I needed anything and saw me looking like…well, hell. He asked what was wrong and I blew up at him. I don’t want them here! They have no place being here! This is supposed to be for family! They’re not family! Why are they here!?

                My dad does not handle confrontation well. He handles it in his own way, which sometimes isn’t the best way, but he handles it. So he did what he thought he should do, which was go and get my stepmom.

                And then this turned into a fight I wish I had not been around. I sort of sunk back into my chair, trying to disappear back into that imaginary hole I had been in earlier.

                Apparently, this wasn’t supposed to be family only (amazing how communication breaks down). They had already ordered the pizza and compromised that they would leave after pizza. And leave us alone.

                Jon and Liz were going to be there in mere minutes and I still looked like someone had kicked my puppy. My eyes were swollen, I was covered in nasty snot and everything was red. I  tried to compose myself. It didn’t work well, because not too long after I attempted to begin, there was a knock at the door (or did they ring the doorbell) and I ran to get it.

                There they were, all smiles and happy new baby glowing, with little Jaden asleep in his car seat. I think my mood lightened more then than I thought it possibly could. I hugged them hello, I think I introduced them to my grandparents and we all sat about.

                I took little Jaden, wanting to hold him first (of course) and brought him over to where I was sitting. To where my grandma was. I decided to let her hold him and could see her light up. She cradled him and thanked me for handing him to her.

                After that it was sort of a game of pass the baby and attempt to eat in between the passing. It was a pleasant evening. I got some nice pictures with him and got to hold him for over an hour. That’s all I could ask for.

                Though, and sometimes I still feel this way, I think maybe it was awkward for Jon and Liz? I don’t know. I feel that, when we as a family get around Jaden, we pay more attention to him and they are sort of just background pieces and I feel bad when that happens. I try to engage them but I am easily distracted by baby. At dinner a week or so ago, I tried to be proactive about getting into a more in depth conversation, but again, got distracted. >_<

                I hate to think that maybe they feel left out when things like that happen and I am sorry. I enjoy their company. I enjoyed their company when I first met them. That’s why I chose them. They’re a lot like my older sister Bre and her husband, Ben. They’re people I can relate with, and talk with and not feel any sort of negativity. They’re amazing people.

                Anyway, I was very sad to see them go. I didn’t want them to and sort of just went along with what was happening around me.

                Honestly, I don’t remember much for the following days. Things happened, friends came over, food was eaten.

                I do remember the pain of having my breast milk come in fully. I had been prepared for this in group, it happens to everyone, whether or not you breast feed. But that was an extraordinary pain I was going through. I won’t say that this was the worst pain I’ve been through, that would be a lie. It was very painful, though. It was very tight, firm and overall tender. My dad went to get cabbage (cold cabbage on the breast helps alleviate swelling) and my grandma bought a large ace bandage to keep them under pressure. Those and constant ice packs were my life. Discomfort below and above.

                Joyous.

                But finally, with the swelling going down and the discomfort subsiding, it was Tuesday and that meant it was time for the placement ceremony.

                A quick note about this. The Placement Ceremony is they day I sign the papers forfeiting my rights. It is important for a birth mother and for the adoptive parents as well. It is in the moment that each discover whether or not the adoption will be completed, whether or not the birthmother will decide to keep or will go through with their placement plan.

                From what I understand, Jon and Liz were steeling themselves in preparation for me to change my mind.           

                But I am a Keller. We are a stubborn sort. My mind was made up,  and though I missed him dearly, though I wanted him there with me, I wanted what was best for him more. I knew that even then. So, foregoing my pain medication (we can’t take any within 24 hours of placement. Ow), the ceremony began. I invited Group Liz to come, my childhood friend Heather, my siblings and my stepsister Chey brought her husband (ugh) and her children.

                During the signing, normally it’s very quiet. You’ve already read the document beforehand. A good thing, because the language is harsh. It’s very thorough and harsh. I had to sign my full name, which is funny. I only ever sign B for my middle name (most people DON’T sign their middle name period) so I had to come up with a signature for my middle name on the spot. During this time, Group Liz suggested that I hold Jaden. I wasn’t really feeling up to that. It was already hard.

                I think I played it off that it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. All I had to do was sign a document. Whatever. But the full weight of my choice was crashing down and I had to play it cool. It would hurt too much otherwise.

                After the signing, my case worker had everyone go around the room and express their feelings about adoption, this adoption and what I was doing.

                My dad said he was proud of me, something he rarely says to anyone. (Pride is, after all, a deadly sin :P). Heather spoke too, and slowly people around the room opened up. My stepsister’s husband spoke too (*punch!*) and then Jon and Liz spoke.

                I wanted to cry at what my dad said, but I wanted to cry more at what they said.

                I had given them a child that they could love and adore as their own. I had changed their lives. They gave me a framed photo of Jaden (because the other gift they had chosen had not arrived yet- a necklace they later gave me on my birthday engraved with Jaden’s name) and we ate KrispyKreme donuts with ice cream and syrup on top. Ironic, because Jon and I had been discussing those at the last dinner we all had before he was born. We call them heart-attack-in-a-bowl. Because it is.

                After placement, I went home with Heather. I don’t think it was that night, but I could be wrong. We dropped my cat off (Rupert, my grumpy old man, had come with me to my parent’s home after I got released from the hospital. He has attachment issues. It’s cute and sad) and picked up a kitten from the people I was living with. They didn’t want it and we didn’t want them to just toss it. It was a cute little Russian Blue and deserved better than that. We dropped it off at the Humane Society of Tucson.

                I went home with Heather for a reason. Simply put, I was not ready to go home. I didn’t want to be alone, and that’s what I would be at home. Heather was nice enough to offer her home as a buffer in between my parent’s and going back.

                She got me into a new TV show, that was, in fact, cancelled years ago, went shopping with me, read books with me in silence and talked with me. Not about Jaden. Just about anything. World of Warcraft, her crazy cats, my cat, my parents, my sisters, how Tucson is a hole that no one should be forced to live in, school. Just anything to take my mind off things and allow me to relax




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We had a visit from Jaden recently. Here are some pictures. :) I got to babysit the little booger. 

                         Jaden has never really seen a cat before. He loved our kitten Inara. Inara, however, did not share his love. After he left, she fell right asleep.

                          Liz warned me the little guy loved food. And begging for food. Heather and I had pizza...

                                    After throwing up all over what I was wearing, he decided I wasn't messy enough and that he should eat my face. Effective.