A Birthmother's Journey: Placement Pt.4

I’m a very awkward person. I’ve said it once, and I will say it again. Multiple times. Because no matter how many times I say it, nothing changes. I fail at reading situations like I should and in fact, thought that Jon and Liz were having second thoughts the second day in the hospital, though later (after the pain meds wore off and reality slapped me in the uterus), I realized that they were just being considerate. I appreciate that. The time I spent in the hospital with Jaden was and will always be important to me. Not because I bonded with him. Which I did (though I was hoping I wouldn’t). But no, because it was the time where I felt connected most with my family and with Jon and Liz.

Each time someone came in to hold Jaden, to see Jaden, to check on me, to care for me, I truly felt loved. There were a few people I wished hadn’t come, that is true, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying their company.

Group Liz joined me, bringing my Birthmother Basket, a little bit of knickknacks put together at my support group for the birthmothers in the hospital. The purpose is to feel like you’re not leaving the hospital empty handed. Just about everything in my basket was pink or purple. I’m not a fan of pink but purple is my favorite color, so I loved it. She held Jaden and conversed with my family and stayed.

That was important to me. She is a good friend, someone for whom I care deeply and she stayed with me in the hospital the second night. I was so scared and uncomfortable that first night alone that though I rested when Jaden had been picked up, it was not a true rest. We talked through the night, even though she had to work in the morning.

She swaddled Jaden, helped me change his diaper (I hadn’t done it in years and so felt so strange doing it, especially with a child I had just pushed from within my own being) and showed me a trick to help him sleep more.

She placed a cloth over the top of the cradle and he would sigh and continue to sleep. Theoretically, this was supposed to help me. It didn’t really. Still, with every sound he made, I would stir. I wanted to be there for him so desperately during the short time he was with me. His every movement woke me and I began to fret about the cloth maybe making it difficult to breath and maybe his swaddle was too tight or maybe he was hungry or maybe…

I drove myself slowly crazy that night with my constant worry that I called in one of the nurses (after not being able to get ahold of Jon and Liz) to come and take him to the nursery. Again, I wanted as much time with him as possible, but with my nerves, there was no way I could sleep and take care of him. The nurse came and grabbed him for me, taking him with her to the nurse’s station (he was a VERY popular baby, the nurses all adored him) and not too long after, that is where Jon and Liz found him, taking him back with them into their own room.

I know that I am leaving many things from the story, like Missy, Jon’s sister visiting, who visited me and why and when and my case worker and Bre and her advice and all of that.

But sometimes I don’t feel like those things are important. They are, of course. But I want to concentrate on the things that were the most important to me at the time. Jaden, Jon and both Liz’s, my family and the time being with them.

Maybe I should cover what it was like being with the case worker from the hospital, the feeling knowing that each and every nurse knew that I was not going to be Jaden’s mother, my constant pain, bleeding and my attempts to make it so that I appeared to be comfortable and emotionally stable.

Of course I wasn’t. I feel that is one of the things that should be obvious. I bonded so strongly with this baby who wasn’t coming home with me that I exhausted myself trying to be with him. I wanted to see every little nuance of his little face, his wrinkly little body, his long fingers and soft black hair. I wanted to make sure that he knew who I was, regardless of whether he would remember me, regardless of whether I was still allowed in his life, regardless of what others would tell him growing up. I wanted him to know everything.

When I got the chance to be alone with him, I would sort of talk to him. Let him know I loved him. That I would be there for him. That Jon and Liz loved him. He wouldn’t remember, but I needed that comfort. I felt silly, talking to him while he dozed but it didn’t matter. He would stir and let out little noises or hold my finger, sometimes peeking his eyes through his lids while I talked to him. It made me feel like my world wasn’t going to close in around me nearly as fast as it was.

I was so set in placing him that I knew that was about as much as I was going to be able to have. I knew looking at him, that though I loved him, that though I wanted to keep him, hold him and raise him, it was not what was right for him, even if it may be what was right for me.

What was right for me didn’t matter.

So I don’t cover things that I don’t think will move the story, tell my message and even educate where needed.

Emotions educate. Small details do not. I am not good at describing my emotions as aptly is I wish but I know I can.

So when I woke and it was the last day in the hospital, I didn’t want to show it, but my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. It was a happy day for Jon and Liz and together Liz and I dressed Jaden in his first outfit, snuggling him to our chests and snapping photos.

I only wish I had taken more.

When I was released, it sort of surreal. It was almost like slow motion, Jon holding Jaden’s carrier as I was wheeled to the door, talking about going to group that night to pop in and say hello with Jaden in tow. I wanted those moments to last forever and I sort of hovered around while they attempted to get the car seat into their car. I just wanted the moment to last.

But, of course it didn’t, and as I walked to Dawn’s car, I was happy for them but wanted, at the same time, to cry out. I wanted to go back and cuddle with him, to stroke his hair, to be his mom. But it wasn’t right so instead I stayed calm and gingerly got into the car.

I don’t remember if I wept, I do remember that feeling of depression and staring out the window. I couldn’t wait those few hours to see Jaden and fidgeted in impatience.

Looking back, it was sort of silly that Jon and Liz headed back to their home almost an hour away but I’m sure they wanted that time alone with their new baby. Regardless, they came for group and I held Jaden again and relished in the feeling.

I honestly never felt as though I was fit to have kids. But holding Jaden was an eye opener and it took my breath away every time I looked at him.

(Taking another break, as I'm finding it difficult to write, but please enjoy the following pictures from the hospital).