Day to day

Going through my day to day activities since has been a rather interesting experience. Especially when it concerns people who knew me when I was pregnant, or have seen pictures on my phone or heard me talk about Jaden. And that's really what group is supposed to help with, dealing with the day to day life after a great loss.

But when you can't go to group, it gets rather challenging.

My first day at group, we covered the grieving process. I sort of scoffed at it. In my mind, this would be easy. I would be able to see him sometimes, so whatever. I don't need to grieve. He was still there.

So when it came time to go home to where I was living, it was sort of an impossible flood of confusion and feelings I had to deal with on top of my overwhelming depression, my lack of interest in much of anything and  my longing to see Jaden constantly. It was a confusing time and I was lucky that I was able to see Jaden at all. It was nice to go to the mall with Liz and Jaden, grab food and wander around with him in my arms while I talked with Liz or have them over to my parents on the 4th of July and on my birthday. By the time that rolled around, Jon had left for his residency and soon after, Liz left.

The day they left I called out of work. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just curled into a ball and slept for a while. I think I got up and watched a movie. Maybe went out and walked to Bookmans. I'm not sure.

I'm not good at expressing to Jon and Liz when I need a picture because I don't want their pity. I don't want pity period. I don't like people looking at me like I am some poor creature. I made a choice that was for the best. I don't want pity for that. Sometimes I will text them and say I am having a bad day and request a photo. They're great about sending it. If they can't immediately, they'll let me know. We don't always have conversations (which can be disappointing, but they're busy people and I don't want to butt in) but when we do they're nice. They, of course, tend to revolve around Jaden. I try to ask how they're doing, how their life is going in Texas and such but honestly, they don't need to tell me.

The reason I bring this up is because I was having a hard time tonight. Going through my external hard drive, looking at pictures on my own computer and texting a friend, I felt a wave of sadness rush over me. I started to tear and felt my throat begin to close. I shut down the pictures and popped in Scott Pilgrim to take my mind off of things. My art also helps. Anything, really, to take my mind off of things.

That's not really a good thing, I suppose. It's not good to distract myself. I'm not pretending it didn't happen, I'm not pretending I'm not in pain. I just need a distraction.

I don't always do that. Sometimes I will deal with it through the day. Dealing with it at work is no fun. But I have to.

This is probably the most difficult thing a birthmother does. I can't imagine what it is like for those mothers who never see their children after they leave the hospital.

For that reason I know that I am lucky, blessed even, to have the adoption that I have.