Straying a bit from the story...

I shared on my Twitter account not too long ago (maybe a few days), my blog. Most of my followers are friends. Friends that I do not have linked into my Facebook account. I thought that they may want to read my story as well. I was, instead, woken by this Tweet this morning.

7rin ‏@7rin

Lucky for @KinzieChan that labour's the most she'll suffer. The greatest pain #adoptees endure is being #abandoned to #adoption = #trauma

This actually hurt. I've heard many things in the past few months about what people think of what I've done. I've been called stupid and selfish but no one has ever told me that I abandoned my son. No one has ever said labor is the most painful thing I will ever suffer, equating the physical pain to the emotional hell I go through daily. I am a part of Jaden's life until Jon and Liz say otherwise. I am a part of Jaden's life until he is old enough to decide he doesn't want me to be a part of it. He will never be abandoned by me while I live.

I feel as though I was led to his parents. They are good, kind people who love him and I can see it every day when I look at past pictures and when I get new ones. They are not the kind of people to have a child of their own and decide that Jaden is no longer theirs. If they had been, I would not have even considered them. Besides, their extended families would not let them. They adore little Jaden as well.

I know I shouldn't let these things bother me, but I can't help it. I'm called a coward often, I'm called selfish weekly, I'm called stupid daily. I can't tell certain people about his adoption because of the reaction I know I will get. I know I shouldn't let these things get to me but I do. I do because I am scared emotionally.

The greatest pain a birthmother will ever know is having to wake up in the morning to their child not with them. The greatest pain is knowing that you can't love them as a parent. Because you decided that their growing up needed two parents. Because you decided that them growing up with a parent living paycheck to paycheck was not something any child should see.

Because I decided I wanted him to be happy and I knew he would not find it with me. Seeing his smiling face and how much he laughs and the love he has for his parents make me realize that even more.

The thing people like this don't realize is that, more often than not, I am a mess of emotions and will cry at random. I will cry myself to sleep or wait until I am stable to enough  to sleep to sleep quietly. I am broken. I don't think there is anything aside from drastic memory loss that can change this.

I did not abandon my son. I gave him the life he deserves.

And I dont need anyone telling me I don't love my son or that I traumatized him.