Placement Pt.3

Now, when they say that labor is the greatest pain you will even endure, I would believe them. I had an epidural, so I did take the pussy way out. But believe me when I say when you are contracting every five minutes and you can barely speak during that brief sixty seconds when your entire midsection tightens (or, in my case, my back and midsection. I had back labor), you want all of the meds. Especially when you did not take any sort of birthing class whatsoever. When my dad called to say he was on his way home, that he had been allowed to cancel his business trip, I wanted to keep talking but I couldn’t.

                When it came time for the epidural (here on out called the epi, because I am lazy), he timed it just right so that I felt more of a contraction than I did that supposedly giant needle. The anesthesiologist that did mine was a rather smart man; he did not let me see the needle at all. Had he, I may have just changed my mind or freaked and gone into a panic attack. I am grateful that he did not let me see it and that, while yes it hurt, I barely felt it over the pain I was already in.

                Dawn was with me during this time, as well as Sarah (though I don’t remember if Sarah was in the room at the time) and Dawn at least was giving me words of encouragement. I held onto a pillow and watched my contraction monitor spike and then felt a rush of cold. I laid back down and was content, not feeling any pain anymore. I still felt breathy every time I had a contraction but I did not feel the pain that went with it. Best. Feeling. Ever. Or lack of feeling. Ever.

                Dawn systematically sent people texts after my epi letting them know I was in labor and at the hospital. My older sister Bre, who had a baby of her own in March, wanted to come down. She was the one I asked about labor symptoms the day before. She was concerned about something, though, and talked with me about it. I do appreciate her doing that and always will.

                She wanted to know if it was ok to bring Issac, my little nephew, down with her. She didn’t want me to be in pain seeing them together at my parent’s house. After all, she is happily married and can keep her child, whereas I am not and was not. She would be down for the week. I loved that consideration and honestly didn’t mind them being there. I knew it would be hard.

                Over the next couple of hours, people began to meander in. The hospital was very accomidating of my situation. Sarah, Dawn, Jon and Liz stayed the majority of the time with me, with my sister Kate childhood friend Heather coming in later, followed by my dad, sister Cheyenne and then finally Bre, who drove 2 ½ hours from Flagstaff.

                Ironically, I was watching TLC’s “I didn’t know I was pregnant” that whole time. I don’t know if it was a marathon or what, but it was fantastic.

                During this time, I was not allowed to eat. Of course. However, also during this time, each and every person who came to see me went to get food or talked about food. By the time I delivered, I had not eaten in almost 20 hours and I was ravenous. I wanted something! My labor pains through the night I was ok in not sharing with my family but my hunger pains during this time I was perfectly fine in sharing. They did not quite agree with this sentiment and ate anyway.

                I arrived at the hospital at about 7am, I want to say. We left at 6:30 and it was a decent drive. I’m a little fuzzy on that time exactly. But I can tell you that by 3pm. I was done with the whole thing. I loved the attention, talking with my family and Jon and Liz (who were probably just about impatient as I was) and overall feeling loved, but I was done. I was done on May 9^th. I was done on May 1^st. I was just done. So every time they checked how far I was dilated and it wasn’t 10cm, I was furious. I didn’t show it, of course. But I just wanted it to be done.

                Finally. FINALLY, at about 3:30 (and not long after Bre arrived), I was ready to start pushing. Again, I am fuzzy about times so it could have been later, it could have been earlier. They hadn’t brought the doctor in yet and the nurses were prepping me and giving me little words of encouragement. And when they first told me to push, no joke, my first thought was “how”?  That’s not exactly something that they tell you in the book.

                And this is something that I will take into account when I have another child: I wasn’t ready to push when they told me to. They told me to push during contractions: every contraction. I watched the monitor, but when they told me to push, I didn’t feel the need. I finally got what they meant and pushed when they told me but it just didn’t feel right. At one point, the contractions stopped completely. They gave me medication to get them going again. Then through the epi, I began to feel a little pressure. Every time I felt this pressure, whether they told me to push or not, I got the urge to push.

                So I told them I was going to and did. I could feel when the right time to push was and it was when they were telling me not to. If I remember correctly, I wasn’t supposed to push every time but every time they told me to push was when I didn’t really feel my body was ready to. Finally, I got the hang of it, they announced they could see a little crowning baby head of hair and got the doctor. The nurses were feeling around my stomach for where he was and how he was positioned and I will say that it is weird to see that definition of butt and leg where it wasn’t before and knowing where the rest of him is.

                At about 4pm, the doctor came in. She continued what the nurses were doing and asked me if I wanted Jaden placed on my chest after he was delivered. I knew what a bonding experience that was and told her no. I didn’t need that extra boost of pain. That didn’t sound all that appealing. She nodded and at 4:16pm, he was out and crying and she put him on my chest.

                There is an amazing, overwhelming feeling of love and joy when you first see that little bundle on your stomach. Its honestly painful even to recall. Because at that moment, I loved him more than I could say, more than I ever thought I possibly could. That was exactly the feeling I wanted to avoid. I didn’t want to have that bonding experience with him. He wasn’t coming home with me. I couldn’t comfort him during the night and snuggle up with him after he finished a bottle, or have him sleep on me while I watched tv. I couldn’t do anything a normal mother could and would because I’m not a normal mother. I’m a birth mother. And that was most painful of all.

 Jon snipped his cord and Liz made sure I was ok as they took him to weigh and check out. I could tell she wanted to go and see him so I said yes and she headed over.

                After the quick delivery of my placenta and some lovely clean-up work, I was a little bit more presentable to the rest of the world. Dawn and Liz were fawning over baby J, taking photos and talking. When they took him to bathe him, I wanted Dawn to do it. A nurse did it instead and I was a little irked by that. After all, I had this all planned out and they weren’t going along with my plan. They put him on me after he was born and they didn’t let her bathe him. I was frustrated and emotionally confused.

                Dawn said it was alright that she didn’t bathe him, she didn’t really care. I know she did. Cheyenne had her two kids in privacy with her husband, as did Bre with Issac. I was the only one who really was letting her do this.

                They bundled Jaden up and let me hold him for a spell while the others filed in to see how I was and if Jaden was cute, because lets face it. When people say all babies are cute, they’re lying. All babies are not cute. Babies are inherently funny looking after growing and spending nine months in a watery home. They’re wrinkly and fussy and mostly bald. Jaden was a little flaky from being in there too long, but he had long lashes, silken black straight hair, big pouty lips and a cute little button nose. He was seriously cute.

                And surprisingly light for our family. I was almost a ten pound baby and most of my siblings were in the same range. Issac was about there too. Jaden was 8lbs, 13oz. He was long still, but light for a Keller baby. My family had a bet on with the nurses about his weight. Needless to say, the nurses loved us. My family also had a bet going about whether or not he would have an afro. And no, he didn’t. He still doesn’t. Which I wanted and am perfectly ok with.

                We stayed in that room for some time and I was asked if I wanted to try to breast feed. Now, whether or not you breast feed, your milk comes in. Fun fact. So regardless of whether I actually fed him the milk or started trying to express, that milk would come in. I had discussed this with Jon and Liz earlier and said that I wouldn’t be breast feeding but I would pump. He needed that initial immune boost, after all. Well, he didn’t need it but it couldn’t hurt.

                So while the hospital prepared my food, I tried to pump and succeeded a bit but not much. I don’t really remember much that I would like to put in here. I mean, I could tell you about my awkward bathroom trip with two nurses, or my dripping blood, but I think I will avoid that and skip forward.

                I was moved into the largest room they had in their maternity ward. They gave Jon and Liz a room just down the hall from me. We gathered and mingled within my room for some time but I soon got tired and decided to try to sleep. I chose to have Jaden in the room with me while I was in the hospital.

                When you have a baby you know won’t be with you for much longer, though, any noises he makes will stir you. He whined and sighed and shifted and each sound woke me from whatever state of unconsciousness I was in at the time. I would get up and fix his swaddle or rub his stomach or just sort of stare at him. I couldn’t take the lack of sleep. I had been up for more than 24 hours at that point. It was actually nearing the 40 hour mark. I texted Jon and Liz and tried to drift after putting the little guy on my chest. But I was so concerned that he would fall that holding him didn’t do much but make me more tired.

                About an hour, maybe, after I texted them, Jon and Liz came to grab Jaden. I was grateful because I was exhausted but I wanted him in my room to get as much time with him as possible. I slept as much as I could in an unfamiliar bed with nurses poking me during the night.